Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
