Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
