I just pynch a tree in the face
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
