And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
