No awkward lesbian experiences without me
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
