Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
