Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
