Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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