You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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