my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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