I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize