he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
