Your mouth is God's brothel.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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