ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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