it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize