Ambien. No doubt about it.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
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