Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize