I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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