if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
