Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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