So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I don't deserve a penis
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
