she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
