i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
