I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize