I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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