did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
