Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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