I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
