Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
