woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
