Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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