No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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