I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Randomize
