You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
