The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
