I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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