I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
