Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
