Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
