the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
He passed out mid-signature
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
