I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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