I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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