My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
