Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
