don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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