im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
