I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
