today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
