the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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