someone threw a dead crab at me
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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