i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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