I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
