i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
