he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
