Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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